Birthday and lemons

I had brought him a piece of lemon meringue pie since it was his birthday.  When I told him I had something for him, he asked if it had any thing to do with lemons.  He remembered.  

We wished him a Happy birthday, but he didn't seem to understand what we were wishing him.  Someone at the dinner table asked him how old he was and he responded with "I don't really know."  It didn't seem to make sense to keep going on about his birthday as guilty as that felt.  I wanted to sing the traditional song and open presents.  I wanted to be gathered around the table or the back porch talking about past birthdays.  I wanted us to celebrate this day just like we had done years past.  But like I keep telling myself, make new memories.  And that is just what we did.

After dinner was over, we went into the living area and sat on the couches.  We did some small talk, dad did the most of the talking.  Still not sure what it was about but I nodded to every word.  Before long, we were joined by 5 other sweet souls that share this living space with my dad.  First Juliet, Mary Ellen, and Rosemary wheeled in.  A sweet and kind nurse wheeled in George and then came in Clara.  The nurse asked all of us if we wanted to watch a movie.  No one but me really answered.  So she put on a classic Elvis movie, "Clambake."  Once the music started I sat back and witnessed something so much better than any Elvis movie.  I watched 5 people who have had their lives cut short with Dementia enjoy something with their whole entire being without a care in the world.  Something that I could only be so thankful for.  It was a lesson I didn't know I needed.

It is not fair that any of these wonderful people have to be there.  They all had lives before this disease took them over.  They had families, careers, and memories.  They had experiences that are now just lost to them.  But they are not angry.  They are still as sweet and beautiful as they were 20 years ago, just with a little different mindset.  

Mary Ellen.  I could go on for hours about her.  She reminds me of my little granny.  She is tiny and her voice matches.  She motioned me over and I went over and knelt beside her. I noticed her striking blue eyes, very, very blue.  She mumbles something to me about her hair and asked me if I thought it was ok that way.  I nodded and said, "Mary Ellen you are beautiful!"  She put her hand to her mouth and giggled a little and said "Oh my, thank you."  I joined dad back on the couch and watched her for a little longer.  I imagine her being a spit fire when she was younger.  A beautiful, petite lady that would have no problem putting you in your place if you needed it.  I imagine her being a carefree soul with flowers in her hair.

Juliet.  Oh sweet Juliet.  I can imagine her as a young girl being the one who had to wear shorts or pants under her dresses because she was always side by side with the neighborhood boys racing bicycles and climbing trees.  She was strong willed and determined.  I imagine she was successful in her life with whatever it was she did.  She wheeled herself to the bathroom, determined to do it herself.  Unfortunately Dementia has taken a lot of that free will away and she had to holler for help. I ran into the bathroom, but realized the job was too much for me.  Thankfully a nurse had walked by just at the right time.  

Rosemary.  She marches to her own drum.  She is confident and does what she feels like doing.  Every time I see her, she is in a different hat.  Today was a bright red bucket cap.  And she looked marvelous.  I bet at one time, she was fancy and attended many dinner parties.  I imagine she was the life of the party.  I looked over, and she was sound asleep.

Clara.  Clara is a very classy, lovely lady.  She is beautiful.  I imagine her being the type of person I could sit on a porch for hours with.  Talking about world events and vintage flea market finds.  Clara is silent as she watches the movie.

George.  George doesn't talk much, but I imagine at one time, he could talk to you about anything and everything.  I imagine he was up to date with the world's top news and was a history buff.  I imagine he was a great story teller, one that could make any thing come to life.  He sat there not really watching the movie, but his mind was somewhere else.  I like to think he was remembering something that meant a lot to him.  

Everyone of these individuals have had a previous life.  A life that I will never know for sure about.  A life taken away too soon, this I do know for sure.  The music starts to play again and Elvis is singing to a group of children about confidence.  I look around the room and all of a sudden, everyone was awake and watching.  Some of them clasped there hands together.  I heard some remarks on how sweet the children were in the movie.  I heard a few "ohs and awes."  I saw smiles.  I saw a few heads nod.  And in that moment, here was a group of people who have every reason to be bitter and angry for the situation they have been given...but in that moment, it was pure joy.  Not a care in the world.  I looked over at dad and he started singing the song along with Elvis.  He knew the song.  I started to hum along too.  Something I would have thought twice about doing ever before.  But I wanted to live in that moment.  Be in that moment.  I didn't want to care about anything, just enjoy.  And that is what I did.  I left that night in such a good mood.  I had fun.  I had fun watching the movie and I learned a lot in those short 2 hours.  I learned that when life gives you lemons, enjoy the lemon meringue pie when you get the chance.  (Silver lining).

Note:  These are real people, but for privacy reasons, I did not use their real names.  

 

Hands of time

 I can't remember the last time I held dad's hand. I imagine it was back when I was a little kid. A young child needing saftey to cross the street or needing reassurance when faced with unfamiliar places. I imagine I held his hand a lot as I always felt safe as a child. 

This particular evening as we sat on the patio, I said to myself that I needed him this day to reassure that all was going to be alright.  I wanted to turn the hands of time and go back to when I was a child.  I wanted to go back to any and all moments where I had felt scared and have dad grab my hand and make it all better. 

Dad fell asleep and the first thing I did was reach for his hand. It is amazing to me that something as simple as holding someones hand can make troubles melt away.  A sense of peace came over me and for a moment, nothing seemed horrible. It was just dad and I with nothing but time on our hands. 

 I had a very hard time letting go of his hand.  But the sun was setting and the staff was wanting to get everyone settled in for the night. So I quickly reached for my phone to snap this picture so I would always have this as a memory.  But it is so much more than that to me.  It was a feeling of saftey and a way for dad to help me through this time.  I know Alzheimers has taken most of dads memory but I truly believe he felt all of this in his heart.  He may not have known who's hand he was holding and who's heart he was healing, but the feeling of saftey and love that comes from holding ones hand is something you can't unfeel.  And that is a silver lining. 

The garden

 

When I arrived to visit dad, I found him walking around the dining tables using one of the chairs as his walker.  I stood there and watched him for a moment and then he looked up and saw me.  He smiled and said “Hey good lookin!”  He had just finished up his dinner and said he was helping “pick up all the boxes”.  Boxes of what, I did not ask but he was definitely on a mission.  One of the sweet nurses asked him who I was and he responded that I was his great granddaughter.  I just smiled.  She told dad to go sit down and visit with me and he insisted that he had work to do and needed to get the boxes in order.  She told him that she would take care of it and he could leave.  I winked at her and said “Dad, she is giving you the night off,” and dad responded with “Well, hot damn!” 

 

I gave dad his walker and asked him if we could sit down.  He lead me straight to the door to the outdoor garden.  As we entered the garden, he said he was going to take the truck and run to the bank.  He said he had to get some money out.  I told him we could go to the bank later but I wanted to sit for a while.  It was pouring down rain but there is an awning over the rocking chairs, so we picked 2 chairs and sat down. 

 

It is a very pretty, well kept garden area that is a perfect and quite place to sit.  There are shrubs, flower bushes, tomato plants, and humming bird feeders.  If you look, you will find a few hidden peacocks  amongst the shrubs as well as beaded lanyards( I assume they were made by some of the sweet souls who live here) draped over the iron flag holders.  Dad was very talkative this evening.  He talked a lot about farming.  How my brother is now a farmer and not too sure how to use the big equipment.  He talked about an addition he was putting on the side of his house and even pointed to the wall and said “that is where it will be.”  He asked me if I saw the cat that had just walked by and the bat flying through the air.  We talked about how pretty the garden was and he informed me that my mom has been really working hard at keeping it nice.  He asked me what I planned to do with all of those potatoes and pointed to a path of rocks in the garden.  I told him I was going to fix him some fried potatoes.  He said he really wanted to get to the bank and something about giving mom $1000.00 and she can do whatever she would like with it.  In between, he would ask where mom was.  I told her she was at work, napping, or at the store.  All which he was fine with.  He mentioned that mom was “looking hot! “and that he loved her. I reminded him that she loves him too.  Without even taking a breath he said he was going to can all of those tomatoes growing in the distance.  And then dad smacked my leg (in a playful way) and said, “Thank you for being my daughter.”  I will never forget these words.  It was so real and sincere and so out of context of everything we had been talking about the past hour.  But that one sentence will stay with me forever.  Silver lining.  I told dad thank you for being my dad, and we sat there for a moment in silence.  I looked away because I didn’t want him to see me crying.  But when I looked back towards him he was sound asleep. 

 

I watched my dad sleep, prayed, and remembered.  Remembered watching my dad in his garden over the years, and just how much pride he took in that garden.  I wish my dad was still tilling the weeds and watering the corn that would grow so tall.  I wish I could go over to his house and smell the stench of horseradish  after a day of picking.  I wish I  could sit on the back deck and eat stalks of rhubarb with him.  But life took a different turn, and now I am sitting in a garden with my dad that he didn’t plant, one that he didn’t nurture and make beautiful.  And I start to feel sorry for myself and then I remember him thanking me for being his daughter and I smile.  New garden, new memory.  I’ll take it. 

 

New season of life

 

Our lives will never be the same.  And that is a very hard pill to swallow.  So where do we go from here?

We take it one day at a time, that is what we do. 

We take the bad days, we cry, and we keep moving.

We take the good days, we feel blessed, and we keep moving.

We hold on to the memories and smile.

We make new memories and smile.

We get into our new routine and keep moving.

And we always look for the silver linings…

 

I don’t think dad has got into a routine yet.  I still think all of this is so new to him and I know that it is going to take time.  It is going to take time for him to settle and it is going to take time for all of us to accept this reality.  But the one thing that will never change is the love we have for each other.  I have learned that the love we have as a family is something that can not be broken.  I was talking to my mom and brother the other night and it was really neat to think about the fact that the four of us; me, my brother, mom, and dad have been a family unit for 43 years.  We have been through so much together and have had a great life together.  We have enjoyed many moments, shared many important things, and have also got through some pretty tough times.  But the one thing that has never changed is that we have always been there…together…for each other…no matter what.  And this will continue I know, in a different way, but we will always be a family.  (Silver lining).