Remember who you are

 

 Dad was very agitated.  I first noticed it as I walked into the room.  He was trying to remove one of his socks and was having a difficult time.  He was saying cuss words and you could see the agitation in his eyes.  After a brief greeting, he went back at trying to remove it.  He made many attempts but had no luck.  However, I noticed he was pulling on his pant leg, not his sock.  At one point I asked him if he would like for me to help him put his shoe back on with the hope that having the shoe on would make him forget about the sock.  He said that would be fine and as I kneeled down to put his foot in the shoe, he looked at me with “that look,” the one he used to give me growing up when I knew I overstepped the boundaries.  So I left the shoe and sat back down. 

 

We watched Family Feud for a bit.  At one point he got frustrated about the time it was taking for the contestant to answer the question.  He asked what was taking them so long.  Dennis laughed and said to “make it suspenseful Tony!”  Not long after that, I heard dad mumble “asshole” under his breath, hopeful it was towards Steve Harvey and not Dennis.  The visit continued with dad working very hard at trying to remove his socks and other shoe.  He kept saying something about the water and the rocks hurting his feet.  I have noticed that he has been very concerned lately about his feet and them being wet.  I remember growing up my dad never liked having wet socks.  I remember watching him put his socks on in the mornings before heading to work.  He would always sprinkle Gold Bond foot powder in the socks first.  Looking back now, I realize that dad probably hated wet feet because of his time in Vietnam, walking through all the water and muck.  Maybe his mind is back to that time, I thought.  He finally got the socks/other shoe off.  He pushed them off to the side and not even a second later, one of the aide’s came by and noticed his bare feet.  She bent down to help dad put them back on, but his agitation was clear and she backed off.  So instead she went and got him some gripper socks and he gladly allowed her to put those on. 

 

I hadn’t seen this much agitation from dad in a long time.  It seemed the longer we stayed, the more frustrated he got.  Almost like he was angry that we were there.  It sort of made me sad because my dad is not like that.  I know it is the disease and I can’t blame that on him or even take it personally.  As I sat there and continued to switch from watching dad to Steve Harvey I started to think about an incident the week prior where I let anger get the best of me.  And I don’t have Alzheimer’s to use as an excuse.  Not one of my finest moments, but one I will learn from.

 

From the time I woke up, I knew it was going to be a rough day.  By the time lunch rolled around, I had decided the only thing that could make me feel any better was going to be a bean burrito from Taco Bell. My trip to Taco Bell ended with an exchange of unpleasantries with staff and no bean burrito.  In the moment, I was mad that I sat in the line for 15 minutes only to find out they couldn’t take my order.  In that moment, I was mad when I saw 3 employees standing outside having a break.  On a good day, the Vanessa I want to be, would have still been disappointed, but understanding that there may be something more going on that I can’t see.   Maybe the computers were down.  Maybe they had an employee get sick or an emergency.  Whatever it was that caused the issue, I realized it had nothing to do with my dad being sick.  It had nothing to do with me being in a bad mood because of the season of life I am in.  What happened at Taco Bell did not warrant me to take my anger out on someone else.  And it hasn’t sat right with me since. 

 

I asked myself, if dad and I could have a conversation today about the Taco Bell incident, what would he say to me.  And this is what came to mind.  When I was of age to start going out of the house on my own without a parent, my dad would always say to me on my way out “Remember who you are.”  “Ok dad, will do,” was my response with an extra dose of the side eye roll.  But as I look back now, I realize what he meant by that.  He was telling me to remember how to treat others.  Remember to treat others as you would want to be treated.  He was reminding me that I came from good, decent parents who taught us to do the right thing.  And I think if I could talk to dad about this, he would tell me the same thing, “Remember who you are.” 

 

So I swallowed my pride and I wrote a note to the employees at Taco Bell.  First telling them that my rudeness was uncalled for and then thanked them for the work that they do.  I humbly ordered my bean burrito and asked to speak to the manager.  Being that it was lunch time, I didnt want to take up much of her time.  I explained why I was there and handed her my heartfelt note.  I dont know if she read it or threw it in the trash.   But that’s not why I did it.  I did it because it is the right thing to do.  It is important to own a mistake.  It is important to remember that all though we are not perfect humans, it is important to still treat others with kindness even in a very imperfect world. It is important to stand firm in who you are and who you want to be.  I don’t want to be the angry person who takes their anger out on others. 

 

Thanks to my dad for those four words.  He probably never understood the power behind them or even realize that I still think about him saying them to me.  But was and is a true gift to me.  (silver lining.)